Me First!

Audio By Carbonatix

I spent a lot of my married years trying to “fix” my wife, Jane. I tried to get her to think more like me and see the world more the way that I do. I tried to get her to start enjoying some of the things that I enjoy so that we could do them together. I also spent a lot of time trying to “fix” my kids over the years. Now, obviously, a lot of the work of parenting is helping young people figure out how to handle different situations. So, the line between “parenting” and “fixing” can be a fine one sometimes, but there were plenty of times that I knew I was crossing over into “fixing” territory and I just kept at it.

This isn’t my first time writing about my attempts at “fixing” other people, but I think this is a key topic to revisit from time to time. Because it’s just such a natural tendency for so many of us. From conversations I’ve had with individuals and families over the years, I know that I am not the only person out there who has tried to “fix” the people I love. If you’re like me and you have this tendency, I hope that you’ll take what I’m going to say next seriously, even if it’s hard for you to believe when you first read it.

Here’s what I’ve noticed: When I work on myself, my marriage changes and my family changes. When my perspective changes from expecting other people to change so that they will think and act more like me, I come face to face with the truth—which is that the only person that I can actually change is me! When I start realizing that, it changes things. I see that instead of working on changing other people, I can work on my own internal responses and reactions to what is happening around me. With this new approach, when I wish something different was happening, that serves as a good reminder for me to start rethinking how I’m handling things inside of myself.

When I’m working on the things that I can actually control—my thoughts, words, and actions—it sets me up to be a much better husband, father, and grandfather. Because then I’m no longer trying to force other people into the mold that I’m imagining for them. Instead, I’m working on making sure that I am living in alignment with how I want to be living.

For anybody else who has some of these same “fixer” tendencies, I hope you’ll join me in working on changing yourself more than you’re working on changing anybody else. After really working hard on this for the past few years, I see noticeable changes, and the people around me do too. In fact, it’s been long enough that they’re starting to open up to me about some of the things that they avoided talking about with me in the past. Now that they know I will do more listening than directing or instructing, they see me as a safe discussion partner for these conversations.

For all the other “fixers” out there, I want to challenge you to change your perspective and start by working on yourself. Over time, I trust that you’ll see some of the same positive changes that I’ve been seeing. When you approach things in this new way, you’ll be winning more often at home.