None of Us Are Mind Readers

Audio By Carbonatix

Okay, right from the title of the article, you have a pretty good idea of what I’m going to be focusing on here. This topic is so important, because even though none of us are mind readers, we often act like we are, don’t we? Our wife or our child says something to us and we just know that they meant it as an insult or a slight. Our co-worker or neighbor asks a question and we just know they did it to rub our faces in our mistake or inferiority. Our parents ask for an update on a situation with their grandkids and we just know that they are questioning our approach and insinuating that if we had listened to them, then things would have turned out perfectly.

Even though we know we aren’t mind readers, we often act like we are, don’t we? Before I go any further, I am imagining that many readers are arguing with me in their heads right now. You’re trying to explain to me that if I knew the history of the relationship, then I would be right there with you in assuming the worst. And you know what? Maybe I would be. But do you know what I also know? I know that I’ve unnecessarily escalated lots and lots of situations over the course of my life because I just knew what the other person meant or what I thought they were hiding behind some insinuation or tone of voice. But after I took an aggressive stance against what I believed to be their position, I found out that I had misinterpreted things. Let me tell you from experience, that creates an awkward moment!

So, what I want to encourage all of us—myself included—to work on is to start making fewer assumptions and start asking more questions. Instead of deciding that you just know that somebody has ulterior motives or bad intentions, start by asking some follow-up questions. If it seems like they’re being sarcastic, you can ask them if something is bothering them. If it seems like they’re being nosy, you can ask them what makes them curious about what they just asked you about. If it seems like they may be trying to make you feel guilty or control you, you can ask them what they’re hoping happens next. I want to add that, in the moment, none of these questions will seem like the way that you “should” be responding to a slight or an insult. But you don’t actually know if you’ve been slighted or insulted yet, which is why they can be such important questions.

In addition to helping to clarify where somebody was actually coming from when they asked their question or made their comment, these questions will also give somebody an “out” if they were initially trying to be sarcastic or insulting. In that way, these questions can help defuse a situation rather than serving to add fuel to the fire (even if that’s the response we would like to give!). When we are honest about the fact that none of us are mind readers, conversations begin to have the feel that there are many more possibilities than we might have initially thought. It also helps remind us that just because we would have meant a certain thing if we said that combination of words, that isn’t the only possible meaning that phrase or sentence can have. When we give the benefit of the doubt and work to understand before we jump to assumptions, we’ll be winning more often at home.