Being There for Your Son - II

Guest (Female): I firmly believe that God gives us the responsibility to train our children in his way. And that's a huge responsibility. What Focus on the Family did was gave us the resources to do it.
Jim Daly: I'm Jim Daly. When we work together, we can transform our nation, one family at a time. Make a monthly pledge today at focusonthefamily.com/families.
Guest (Female Program Intro): The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and it is supported by the prayers and financial gifts of wonderful friends like you.
Steve Ferrar: We start early in the morning. We go late at night, we're running. I do not know about you, but our house, we do not even have an alarm clock anymore. We have got a starter's pistol. Boom.
John Fuller: Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I think we can all relate to that. Steve Ferrar is going to explain why quality time with your kids is much more important than whatever is causing you to rush out of the house every day. Thanks for joining us today. I'm John Fuller and this is Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim Daly: John, there is a reason why this ministry is called Focus on the Family. That is because many parents need to be reminded of the eternal significance of those relationships at home in our own families. Especially those of us with exciting careers that cause us to turn our focus away from our loved ones. We are halfway through a message from the late Steve Ferrar and he is encouraging men, especially fathers, to reconsider their priorities. Last time Steve began looking at Deuteronomy chapter 6, which he calls God's job description for men. The first few points were love God with all your heart, love God's Word, and teach God's Word to your sons diligently as you go about your everyday life. If you missed part one of Steve's presentation yesterday, please get in touch with us. We can send you the entire message on CD, audio download, or you can get the app for the smartphone.
John Fuller: That app has been a big success. We are so grateful for the way it connects people with the content. Certainly give us a call if you have any questions about that or easier, go online focusonthefamily.com/broadcast. Steve Ferrar spent 33 years encouraging men to pursue biblical manhood. He wrote a number of books including Point Man, How a Man Can Lead His Family, which was revised right before his untimely death in 2022. Here now the late Steve Ferrar in a message he shared a number of years ago when his children were younger on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Steve Ferrar: Jesus was the great discipler. Do you know what I noticed about Jesus and the 12? You read some of the great books of discipling. What you will notice is you read the scriptures. Jesus was always with the 12. If Jesus went to the lake, they went with Him. If he went into town, they went with Him. If he went up to the mountain, they went with Him. Do you know what else? They were always asking him stupid questions. That sounds to me like a dad with young kids, young guys, right? They just want to be with you. You see, those are when the teachable moments come up. I remember years and years ago, I was going somewhere, Josh and I. We pulled into a 7-Eleven. We are just going to get a couple Diet Cokes. Well, I get the two Diet Cokes, and there is a line, there is a big line. There are probably five or six guys in front of me. Well, it is just going slow and slow and I looked up there and do you know what is happening? All these guys are buying lottery tickets. I am watching all these guys because the lottery was up to 85 million. Finally, finally, we got up to the counter. I said just the two Diet Cokes. The lady says, "Lottery is 85 million." I said, "That is great, just the Cokes." She says, "You do not want 85 million?" I said, "No ma'am, just, just the Cokes would be fine. Thank you." Do you know, guys are standing around, they are scratching off their lottery thing, you know. Josh is with me. It is just normal. She says, "I cannot believe you do not want 85 million dollars." She would not leave it alone. I cannot believe you, I said, "You know, I think it is better just to trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, do not you?" I am going to tell you something, it got real quiet. At 7-Eleven, because someone had said Jesus Christ and meant it. Guys say Jesus Christ all the time at 7-Eleven. But when you say it and mean it, they cannot handle it. I will tell you what happened. The lights went out. The refrigerator stopped running. I am kind of exaggerating now. You know that, do not you? But I will tell you this. It got real quiet because somebody had said the name of Jesus. She did not ask me anymore about lottery tickets. We got our Cokes, we got in the car. Josh is about 10. He was probably seven. I said, "Josh, you see all those guys in there buying lottery tickets?" "Yeah." "85 million bucks." He goes, "Yeah, dad." "Do you know what those guys think? Those guys think if they had 85 million, they would be happy." I said, "Josh, the scripture says, no good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly." I said, "Do you know what that means, Josh? Do you know why I do not have 85 million? Because I do not need 85 million. If I needed it, I would have it. But I do not need it, man. All those guys in there, they are wasting their money. Might as well put that money down the toilet." Teachable moment? Put the car in drive. We took off. That is life. You just walk, but you have got to be with. You have got to be with them. Does the enemy want us to be with them? No, he wants us to always be over here. We, we have got different responsibilities, but we cannot forget the primary calling of our lives. In order for you to do that primary calling, you might have to make some sacrifices. In fact, you will have to make some sacrifices. You in essence, at points in your life, will have to deny yourself in order to be with so that you can do the job that God has called you to do. My other boy, John, he is going to be a firefighter. He, he is a great guy. He has got a great love for the Lord. We are very grateful for all of our kids, but when John was in high school, he was not doing well. In fact, right around 16. I realized one day that I had an issue because I was having a conversation with John. In the conversation he said something that was pretty innocuous, but it kind of tripped my radar. I did not follow it up right then because it just was not the time. But I began to sense that something was going on in John's life that he was not telling me. By the way, guys, I tell you this with John's permission. If he were here, he would share it with you. So I began to pray, and I began to fast every Tuesday for John. I asked the Lord that he would show me what was going on in John's life. About six, seven weeks later, we had had dinner in the living room. I turned on a basketball game. Mary had a cup of coffee. John walks in, just normal. All of a sudden God gave us a breakthrough because John started talking. Just there. I hit that remote. John started talking, and before long he had a big weight lifting kid. He had tears coming down his cheeks. He said, "Dad, I am in trouble." I said, "Why are you in trouble?" He said, "I cannot tell you. I am too embarrassed." I walked over to that red chair and I knelt down beside him and I said, "John, let me tell you something. I want to help you, but I have got to know what is going on so I can help you." He said, "Dad, I am too ashamed to tell you. I have blown it." I said, "Let me tell you who has blown it. I have blown it because if I do not know what is going on, I am the one who has blown it. But here is the issue, John, whatever it is, we will walk through it together." He said, "Dad, I cannot tell you what is going on." I said, "Let me ask you some questions." I said, "Are you drinking?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Are you getting drunk?" He says, "Yeah." I said, "Are you smoking marijuana?" He said, "Yeah." I said, "Are you doing other drugs?" I steeled myself for the worst. He responded. Thankfully, he had not gone as far down that path as I thought. That was quite a moment. It was a great moment. Do you know why I am telling you this, and do you know why John has signed off on it? Because I want you to know that this happens. I want you to know. I am not telling you this to tell you that John got in trouble. What I want you to know is that this happened under my own nose while I was out teaching guys on how to raise their family. This is not about John, this is about me. What I want you to know is that I got diverted. You see, our job description is clear. I will tell you what, it took about four years for that all to process its way out. We learned a lot of lessons as a family, but I am going to tell you something. God has healed what was broken in our home. There is a sweetness, and there is a joy, and we thank the Lord Jesus Christ for that. Listen, if you want to follow Christ, you think you are not going to get attacked? You will get attacked in your family. If the enemy cannot get you, he is going to try and get you through your kids. So then what happens is you make these mid-course corrections. You see, here is what the Lord is saying to us in Deuteronomy 6. You are to love God deeply. You are to teach your sons diligently. In other words, as fathers, we are to teach this, guys. I am going to give you two things. We are to be connected instead of distracted. We are to be connected instead of distracted. I had not meant to get distracted, but it had happened under my nose. Secondly, we are to be intentional instead of passive. Turn with me to First Samuel 2 very quickly. Are you guys still with me? First Samuel 2. First Samuel 2, we meet a guy named Eli. Now, we are in First Samuel, so how does Samuel relate to Eli? Well, Eli was a priest, Eli was a judge. If you recall, young little Samuel, his mother Hannah, wanted to have a child. She could not. She went up to the temple to pray. Eli thought she was perhaps drunk. She told him what she was praying for. Long story short, God gives her a son. She dedicated Samuel to the Lord. Samuel wound up being raised by Eli in the temple. Now, Eli is described for us in First Samuel 2. Notice what it says about his family. First Samuel 2:12. It says, "Now the sons of Eli were worthless men. They did not know the Lord." What is interesting is that they were priests. They are worthless men, they did not know the Lord. If you read the next verses, you will see that when they would, people would come and offer meat for a sacrifice, these sons of Eli would take the best cuts of meat. It would be like a pastor today letting his boy pilfer through the offering plate. If you look at verse 17, "Thus the sons of the young men was very great before the Lord, for the men despised the offering of the Lord." Then if you flip over to verse 22, it says, "Now Eli was very old. He heard all that his sons were doing in all Israel, how they lay with the women who served at the doorway of the tent of meeting." Not only are these guys stealing, they are sleeping with women. In verse 27, a man comes to confront Eli. You can read the words in verse 27, in 28, in 29. He says to Eli, "Why do you kick at my sacrifice and at my offering which I have commanded in my dwelling and honor your sons above me by making yourselves fat with the choicest of every offering of my people Israel?" You see, how was he honoring his sons above the Lord? Well, it was very serious because verse 34 says, "This will be a sign to you which will come concerning your two sons, Hophni and Phinehas, on the same day both of them will die." What a tragic God was going to judge his house because he had not judged his own house. You know, the scripture says in Proverbs 19 verse 18, there is a very practical word to men that says, "Discipline your son while there is hope." Eli did not do it. He knew about it, he did not respond. You say, "How do you know that?" Go over to First Samuel 3. When the Lord spoke to Samuel, remember woke him up and he was not sure what was going on. What was that all about? Well, the message that God had to Samuel in speaking to Samuel, he says in verse 12, "In that day I will carry out against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house from beginning to end. For I have told him that I am about to judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knew because his sons brought a curse on themselves, and he did not rebuke them." That is how he honored them above the Lord. You see, it is what is Deuteronomy 6 say? You are to teach your sons to fear the Lord. How does a son fear the Lord? Did Eli's boys fear the Lord? No. Do you know why they did not fear the Lord? Because they did not fear their father. Because he never rebuked them. I can remember my dad saying, "Steve, come here." He would begin to take his belt off of his pants. I said, "Dad, I am really sorry, Dad." He said, "I know you are sorry. Come over here." "Dad, I am really sorry." He said, "Did we and he was not mad, he was not angry, he was not losing his temper. He did not have a belt with a metal tip like this one. It was just an old black belt. He was not losing it, he was not angry, he was not. He was very calm. He said, "Steve, come here." "Dad, I am really sorry." He said, "I know you are sorry." He said, "Did we not talk about this?" "Uh huh, yeah." "Did I not say that if you did this, that I would give you a couple of whacks?" "Yeah, yeah." So it was very clear to you. This is embarrassing because I am 23 years old. Now, I was not 23 years old. But you see, when I was young, my dad did that. He was not an abuser, he did not hate me, he was not beating me. Do you know what my dad was trying to do? My dad was trying to teach me that I could not cross authority and get away with it. My dad rebuked me. My dad would discipline me because he loved me. I see you guys, catch this. Fathers represent God to their little kids. That is amazing. Your little kids, you represent God to them. They need to have a healthy fear, not a terror, not that they are going to be beaten, but an awe and a respect that if I cross what he says, there are going to be consequences. Eli never did that. He wasted his life. What a ruin his family became.
John Fuller: Well, you are listening to Steve Ferrar on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. We have his book, Point Man, and that is available with the free audio download of the entire presentation from Steve when you make a donation of any amount to Focus on the Family. Donate today and request those at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 1-800, the letter A, and the word family. Let us return now to more from the late Steve Ferrar.
Steve Ferrar: John came home one day. He had been with some friends. He came here, "Dad, where is the Jeep?" We live out in the country a little bit. It is quite a way to school. I had gotten a Jeep so he could drive and take his brother to school. He said, "Where is my Jeep?" I said, "I gave it away." He said, "You what?" I said, "I gave it away. There was someone who needed a vehicle, I gave it to them." He said, "You gave away my Jeep?" I said, "That was not your Jeep, that was my Jeep. I was just letting you use it." He said, "You, you, you, you." He could not assimilate this. Now, we did not that was not the first step. There were steps in between. But you see, you discipline according to the transgression. If there is a refusal to learn, you have got to get a little bit more strenuous in your discipline. That is how God does with us if you read Hebrews 12. Got to a point where the irresponsibility had to be checked. Discipline your son while there is hope. Get his attention. "Where is the Jeep?" "I gave it away." "Well, how am I going to get to school?" There was a bus stop out there. "Well, Rachel had a car when I was, when she was my, yeah, she did. But you know what? Rachel followed this, and this, and this, and this. Rachel showed responsibility. At this point, John, you are not doing that." You see, the principle is this, is that you show responsibility and you will get privileges. But if you do not show responsibility, you lose privileges. "Well, Dad, how long is it going to be?" I said, "Well, before I, I said, we are talking months." He said, "Months?" I said, "We are talking maybe close to a year. I want to see." Do you know what began to happen? We went through a process. Why did I do that? Because I love this kid. Can I tell you something? A while back, John had a job, part-time job. He had to be at work at 5:30 in the morning. Do you know what? He was there every morning at 5:30. He was there every morning on time, 5:30 for two weeks straight. Do you know what they did? They gave him a raise because they had never had anybody show up at 5:30 on time. Do you know what my job is? Hey, here is the thing about boys. Boys never want to go to bed. Do they? Here is the thing about boys. They never want to get out of bed. So somebody is going to have to step up to the plate and teach those boys. You see, you discipline so that you can move them to self-discipline. Does that make sense? That is our job. Some of you guys are sitting here. I have got to close because I am out of time. I have got to say this word. Some of you guys are here and you say, "Steve, this is breaking my heart because I have got a boy who is 25. He is not at home anymore. I have got a boy who is 35 or 45. He is away from the Lord." "Steve, I am afraid it is too late." Can I say this to you? If your boy is still alive, it is not too late. Let me say this to you, friend. You get on your face before Almighty God and say, "Lord Jesus, would you help me to reconnect?" It is going to be different than when he was 15, but would you help me to reconnect? "Lord, do not let me be passive. Let me take initiative." Do you know what? God wants to answer this prayer. You say, "How do you know that, Steve?" Because of the last verse of the last book of the Old Testament, Malachi 4:6, which says, "He speaking of John the Baptist, we know that from Luke 1:17. And he, when he comes, will restore the hearts of the fathers to the children and the children to the fathers, lest I come and smite the land with a curse." Do you know what Almighty God does? He wants to heal your family. That would delight him. He is looking for us to respond and be obedient, and if necessary, deny ourselves. Let us be those men, guys. Let us be those men. You guys with boys at home, you do the job. You love them, you love your wife, you follow Christ with all your heart, you do not screw around with sin. You be a man of God in integrity. You do not live one way at church and another way at home. They need to see the truth modeled at home as you follow Christ. Eddie's life was going well. He lived in one of the wealthiest areas of all of Chicago. He lived in a gated community, he had servants, he had beautiful gardens. His wife went shopping in a limo. His kids went in a chauffeur to school. He was an attorney, his practice, he could not believe the money he was making, he could not believe the quality of his life, but there was just one problem. Eddie was crooked. Eddie had one client by the name of Al Capone. It was Eddie's job to keep Al Capone out of jail. He was a brilliant attorney, and he did that. But Eddie had a problem. He had a problem with the violence and the murders. It was going too far. Here is the other thing. He had a little boy growing up in his house that he loved dearly. This little boy looked up to him and admired him and respected him. He knew one day that his son was going to lose respect. It was that fact that caused him to make a change in his life and to go to the police and hand them Capone's financial records. When he did that, Al Capone was finished. But Eddie was finished because weeks later, walking down a street in Chicago, a car went by, opened up, and a hail of machine gun fire took him down and he lost his life. I fly through O'Hare quite a bit. As you walk through the terminals, there is a memorial, a monument to Butch O'Hare. They named the airport after him. He was the first naval pilot to get the Congressional Medal of Honor. He was the first ace of World War II. He was on a mission in World War II. He was flying with his squadron. He noticed his gas tank, it was veering on E. It had not been topped off. The commander instructed him to go back to the fleet. As he is going back to the fleet, off in the horizon he sees a Japanese squadron of Zeroes coming into attack the fleet. He cannot make contact with the fleet, so single-handedly he attacks the squadron. He takes out plane after plane. His ammunition is gone. He starts ramming planes. He starts hitting them in their tails. The squadron turns and goes back. He lands, everything was recorded on the gun camera. He had taken out five Zeroes. A year later, he was killed in another dog fight in a hail of machine gun fire, just as his father was killed by machine gun fire on the streets of Chicago years before. You see, a lot of people think that Butch O'Hare is a hero because of what he did in the war. Butch O'Hare thought his father was a hero because at a certain point in his life, his father turned from doing what was wrong and stood up and did what was right and denied himself, and it cost him his life. That is what it may take for us. But God will bless us if we will do it. Let us be those men to the glory of God. Let us now bow before him.
Steve Ferrar: Father, we thank you for your word. For the guys raising kids at home, do not let them get distracted. If they have been, help them make mid-course corrections. We make those all the way through life. Help us not to forget the most important work. Help us to get focused. Help us to make the corrections. For the guys with prodigals, bring those prodigals back, we ask in Jesus' name. Put people around them. Let them have circumstances that crush them. Whatever it takes, bring them back as you brought the boy back in scripture, and heal their family. You are the great Father. All of us are imperfect. We make mistakes. You have never disappointed us. Teach us how to do our work. We ask in Jesus' name. Amen.
John Fuller: Wow, what heartfelt passion you hear there as we come to the end of this presentation from the late Steve Ferrar on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly.
Jim Daly: Boy, you have got to give Steve credit for the story he shared about his reaction to his son's confession using alcohol and marijuana in high school. Steve said this happened under my own nose while I was out teaching guys how to raise their family. I can only imagine how embarrassing that would be. He went on to say, "What I want you to know is that I got diverted." Is not that refreshingly honest? Steve's point was that we need to be intentional with our children and take the time to instill in them the ability to navigate these temptations. It is easy to focus too much time and effort into our careers, particularly for men, and Steve is reminding me of my most important job title, and that is dad, not president. I must say he really lived out those principles. Here is an inspiring quote from Steve that circulated on social media soon after he died in 2022. It is so appropriate. He said, "The greatest thing you can leave behind is a life well lived. No one knows when the finish line is. The very gates of hell cannot make us stumble unless we choose to remove ourselves from God's protection and power. We finish strong by fixing our eyes on Jesus." In today's culture, which I regret to say is really pushing back against God's design for the family, it is even more important that we keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and let our neighbors see what a godly family looks like, even in its imperfections. That is how a nation can be transformed, one family at a time. Here at Focus on the Family, we have all the resources to help families. We just need your donations to keep it going. We have built the rocket and we need you to fuel it. The best method is being a monthly donor. That way you are helping us be here day in and day out. It does not have to be a large amount. It is the consistency that really helps us. When you make a monthly gift of any amount, we will help your family stand strong with Steve Ferrar's book called Point Man, How a Man Can Lead His Family. It is a fantastic guide book. Get a copy of the revised edition from us here at Focus on the Family. We will also include a free audio download of Steve's entire presentation. If you cannot make a monthly commitment, that is okay, we get it. We will send you the book for a one-time gift of any amount. Either way, we want to put this tool into your hands today.
John Fuller: Yeah, it really is a classic that every man should have in their library. It was revised recently, of course, in 2022. Get your copy of Point Man when you donate online at focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or when you call 800, the letter A, and the word family. When you are online, look for our free parenting assessment. This is really a cool resource for you. When you take this assessment, you answer questions and fill that out. It takes maybe 10 minutes or so. Then you will get immediate results showing areas that you are really strong in and maybe one or two points of improvement. Tens of thousands of people have taken this, they found it helpful. Join them and take that free parenting assessment today. We are also going to link over to a free article we have for you, which includes a downloadable report card for your kids to fill out on you, mom or dad. Those resources and more at our website. Now, next time Gabe and Rebecca Lyons share how you can work through conflict to stay connected in your marriage.
Guest (Male): If we are not talking, we are not healing. And so a marriage that stops talking, over time, the silence becomes resentment, the resentment becomes contempt, and as we know, contempt is the marriage killer.
John Fuller: That is next time on Focus on the Family. Remember, when you get in touch, let us know how you are listening. On our website, through our mobile app or on our podcast feed. I am John Fuller and on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team, join us next time as we help you and your family thrive.